I feel I am at a particularly interesting moment right now. Last week the school year began in an explosive, dramatic, epic way. Never have I seen behavior sink to such depths. Never have I been so out of ideas. And, with all three girls in different classes AND Tim having an impoosibly hard time starting preschool (which comes with mountains of paperwork, just like real school) AND me starting to teach all in the same week, the workload has been absolutely unbearable. Not doable. I am always short on sleep and time, of course, but now every minute feels so terribly urgent and unmanageable, like everything in the world depends upon it. It will get better, but how much better?
Some would say I could use a breather. But here’s my point today: what if there just IS no time? What if, with all obligations before me and all responsibilities of home and hearth still there — with the additional delight of ants adding to the pressure to clean up immediately after every crumb — and all the people still doing what they do and don’t do, there are no minutes left? What if work will take me till 12 each night and then I have to get up at 5? And then I have to start it all again? I understand that getting into a routine is tough. We do that all the time. But I am a pretty fair judge of a to-do list, and I’m pretty sure there is no way for me to get more than 5 hours of sleep a night. Ever. And that is with no breathers.
All I’m asking is: what if that really is how it is, and no one can wish it away, and no one can or will change any piece of it? If that is the case, then I just want to be able to say it and not pretend that I’m going to be a human person at the end of it.